Tuesday, 13 November 2012

Honest To Blog


So, this is just a spill out everything that is in my head post. It's not aimed at anyone, and it's not some passive aggressive way of dealing with stuff. It's a 'I need to get it all out of my head' thing. A few things have been going on this last month, and it’s getting to me a bit, and I've been fairly down the last few days.

My business partner left, and now my business is sort of up in the air. I've made the decision to work for myself, and now I have to explore some possible other areas of income. I know my skills are in high demand, and I shouldn't be worried, but I am. I have a mortgage, and responsibilities. And, Jesse and I want/need to buy a new house fairly soon. I've never been in business for myself, and it’s overwhelming. I want to do it, and I’m prepared to put in the work, I just feel like I don’t really know where to start.

I also feel lately that I’m not doing the things I really enjoy doing. Like cooking. I've been lazy, and I haven’t spent any real time in the kitchen for ages. Part of that is because I simply can’t afford to buy the ingredients I need, to make the things I want. This sucks. And I also feel like I’m in competition and constantly being compared with people I don’t even know. I have been cooking and baking for years, and I am good at it, and shouldn't care what other people think, or care that they judge me, it’s their issue, not mine, but sometimes it’s just too much. Sometimes you need to feel like someone is on your cheer squad, and I don’t feel like that right now. And, I think that’s why I’m put off. And it so silly, I mean, there was a time people were paying me to make their cakes. And I pulled off a 6 layer rainbow cake, in my tiny oven!

I just feel like everything I try to do at the moment is shot down, and that’s getting me down, so I’m not even trying. And that’s really dumb. And I’m processing a lot at the moment, there is a lot going on in my brain. And I’m fortunate enough to have the tools to be able to deal with that processing, and I started actually using them last night. I feel better this morning for having done that, and as long as I keep it up, I know I’ll come round.

And I kind of feel like I've got so many plans, and they are all just stuck at the starting gate. And that really frustrates me. I feel like at the moment it’s all talk and no action. And I don’t really like waiting. If I make a decision to do something, I want to get it done. And that’s not happening, and I don’t know what to do to move things along.

I also know that everything will work out. I know that I will find an income stream in a lifestyle business. Maybe more than one, if things go the way I plan.

Sometimes you just need to get all this stuff out of your head. I’m going to go and have a Neurofeedback session now, and I’m also going to make a cheesecake tonight. These things I know will cheer me up. Vacuuming also does the trick, if the first 2 fail, I might have to whip it out when I get home. 

I also might eat a kebab at lunch. 

2 comments:

  1. I'm sorry to hear that you're so down!! :( Running your own business is tough. My best friend in the world is his own boss and has ran several businesses, and I've been a supporter of his for years. It's so tough and grueling, I have a TON of respect for people who do that for a living. So I may not be able to COMPLETELY understand what you're going through....but I get the drift, for sure.

    I think part of human nature is to always feel that we're being compared, or our talents are being compared, to complete strangers. There's a difficult balance between wanting to try our best and have it be noticed, and understanding that everyone's styles and talents are unique and should all be inclusive in whatever art or craft we do (mine is painting, so hopefully this makes sense lol)

    But I'm sure you'll get it!! Venting helps. Also exercising to get rid of some of that pent up fight-or-flight stress. Also probably cake, and also probably a massage ;)

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    1. Thank Patricia! I am feeling much better today after my vent! And it is tough, life is tough sometimes, but you just gotta keep going, and not give up!

      I did make a cheesecake last night, which I am very much looking forward to attacking when I get home today, because there isn't a lot that cake can't fix :)

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