Tuesday, 24 July 2012

Honest To Blog

Last night, in a dream, I was writing this blog post. A post about me, about Jesse, and about us. And while, I'm not concerned about what people think of me (it's something I got over in high school, people are going to think what they think, and they will either love you or hate you, so you might as well just be the person you want to be), I found myself constantly coming back to this post this morning. Through my line of work, and training with Neurofeedback, I've learnt to embrace the thoughts and feelings that I have, work through them, and move on. And that's what I'm doing. The point of this post is to let it flow, let everything out. And, I by no means feel like I need to explain myself to anyone, that's not what this is about. It's about my thoughts and feelings.


So, the truth of the matter is, that Jesse left a long term relationship, for me. And, although it may seem sordid and affair like, it really wasn't like that. I didn't end my relationship with Matt with the foresight to start a relationship with my best friend. It didn't even enter into my mind while I was going through that. I needed to do what I wanted, and what was best for me. I was thinking only about me. I was embracing being on my own, relishing in having my house to myself. In fact, when Jesse told me how he felt, I resisted it. It took me a while to process it, and realise that, 'Yeah, I am in love with him' He didn't know what was going to happen with us, or that it would happen so fast. In fact, I told him that I didn't want to rush into anything, that I just wanted to see where it went. It didn't end up happening that way, there were some ultimatums given, and he wound up on my doorstep a week later. 


I'm not sad that things went down that way. I didn't realise how much I wanted more from him, until it was pointed it out to me. It's like looking for something, and not seeing it until someone points it out to you, or looking for your glasses when they've been on top of your head all along. It's like, my whole life a part of me has been missing, and I've finally found it. And, it's apparently something so many other people saw in us as well. And, although on the outside, it may look like we are moving at top speed, it really doesn't feel like that to us, it feels like we are making up for lost time, like we should have been doing this all along. 


And, I know that people are going to chose sides, it's what people do, and I can't stop that from happening. People need to do what they need to do in order to process things. But, as far as we are concerned, everything was above board. And, I know, that Jesse did everything he could, and tried really really hard to not hurt anyone. But, pain and anger is inevitable where love is concerned, whether you're still in it, or have fallen out of it. And, there is no easy way to tell someone you aren't in love with them anymore. But, at the end of the day, you have to listen to your heart. You have to do what makes you happy. And, while some people might not understand it, or agree with it, and that's OK, just know that we are doing what makes us happy, just as we hope you do what makes you happy. 


To me, it's like a piece of me was missing, and I didn't even realise it was missing, until it was there. I'm pretty much smiling all the time now, sometimes I don't even realise that I'm doing it, but my heart has found it's home. 

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